Y’all. I wondered where this blog was going after my series of app dates ended because I didn’t have anything else set up BUUUT guess who stumbled into YET ANOTHER THREESOME? this bitch right here.
This was complete fucking happenstance. We complemented a girl on her eyelashes when she was having a bad day and it turns out we are the same??? and within 4 seconds of meeting us she asked if anyone would be into a threesome with her and her bf and liiiiike what are the odds because i’m pretty much the perfect candidate for this job.
Oh and this girl lives across the street?? and is reading this blog right now probably hey girl hey. We are the same person. Truly. TRULY.
ANYWAY she tells me both she and the bf are comedians which is dope and then asks me if I’ve ever fucked a black guy – had not – and then tells me WELL YOU’RE ABOUT TO! Her enthusiasm about my having this experience really sold me on the whole thing tbh. Also we ate a lot of gummies and smoked a lot of weed before hand so like the ways to my heart are p obvious
also this is the only screenshot I have, because I have only told this story in person so far. BLOG ‘SCLUSIE
Ok so obviously when you make a new friend who is this nice you gotta do them a solid and fuck them + their bf within hours of meeting. We uber over to his place and she just keeps telling me how much fun I’m gonna have. She also tells me that ~the rumors are true~ and the D game is A+. cooooool
We get there I meet the bf, and we all start talking and I realize liiiike she was not fucking kidding that “comedian” means “actual person with a career in comedy” and also this dude is HUGE. Like v tall but also dick wise. Eventually we get down to it and lemme just say, even half hard the d was pretty impressive. unfortunately I also gotta say that thanks to alcohol, every time we paused we’d have to work him back up again and boy it is a lot of work when you have more dick to harden. #bigdickprobs (I recognize this terminology is straight 2010 but it fits so whatevs)
In my sex journey, the thing that continues to amaze me is how different each individual pussy is. You’ve seen one dick you can figure it out but man each girl is so different. THAT SAID, I’m gonna brag and say that I am a master of both now. I REALLY can’t figure out why guys struggle with this so much. I know i know i know it’s easier bc I’ve got my own vag to figure out but like…girls are even better at taking instruction. Case in point – both parties in this couple went down on me and gotta say she was WAY better at figuring out what was working and what wasn’t, whereas I straight up gave him a tutorial on what to do to me using his gf as a model (lol ok honestly threesomes are great for this fact alone – you’re not offending someone because you’re not trying to be in a relationship with them and you can really trade tips and tricks and be super direct about what you want. also if another person of your same gender is there then you have a great live model for instructions!!) And this was the first time she’d ever been down on a girl, and my second. We high fived. We are sex goddesses, masters of all terrains.
But legit braggies now: this is only my second foreign vag I’ve touched and I made her cum. Boys you can venmo me for lessons any timeeee bye.
This segues into another pet peeve I’ve discovered in this process: LISTENING. So I started out the night being like “ok so I like rougher sex so don’t be precious about it” – cut to me being fucked and kind of urging him on, him saying “I’m trying to be careful” and then a chorus from her in the background of “baby you gotta listen to what she’s saying!”. Oh and he kept trying to move my head to suck his dick which is my NUMBER ONE NO. I like sucking dick!!! if you ask me nicely I will gladly get to it. But the more you try to move me and force me to do it the more petty I get. It got to the point where he would reach for my head and I would full on stand up and get off the bed and be like “well now I’m not even going to entertain it” – AM I HUMAN CHINESE FINGER TRAP? Wow….maybe.
He then said that guys didn’t know that LITERALLY no one likes that and we were like ya no S&TC covered this like…20 years ago. He told me to get on a platform to announce this so here is my announcement:
NO ONE WANTS THEIR HEAD SHOVED ON TO YOUR DICK EVEN IF YOU’RE ALREADY FUCKING. IT’S NOT HOT.
Later, I showed them my new fave porn (Kimmy Granger Likes it Rough…this is the title I’m not kidding go look it up ur welcum) and he was like “oh damn that’s rough” and she was like “baby you gotta listen, that’s what she said she liked!” (Seriously what an amazing cheerleader) but unfortunately this came right at the same time as some forceful dick sucking so that’s what he went for and I had to rear back again and say “WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS”
Aside: as an apology he offered to introduce me to some comedians I really like so OK FINE WE’RE COOL
This girl was cracking me up the whole time because she kept referring to both of us as baby – mostly him but then sometimes me? And me and the dude would look at each other and shrug. I like a threesome where sometimes I can be like cool w the dude and sometimes it’s all about girl power…which goes back to me saying that I love this shit for the relationship dynamics you get to see/interact with. SO INTERESTING
Hmmm what else…oh ya got fucked by this dude and it was an experience but I don’t think I’ll turn into a big dick queen. But it was dope. I’ve been texted some selfies she took while this was happening, truly hilar. Also he was like “I never go down on girls unless I’m like really fucking them for a while” and I was like dude I went down on your gf and she went down on me and lord knows we’ve both been all up on you all night so at this point it’s really dumb to hold to that rule.
We ended up hanging out and smoking a little more and they were like come to the club some time! Write some comedy! You’re so funny! Which, omg you know how to flatter a girl. But for realz what are the odds? This is why you should def fuck strangers, I’m just saying, you could change your life and make a new friend!
Should I start a podcast? I could totally pull it off.